For some reason the above painting really struck a chord with me.  Could be because I've got this insomnia going on.  Every night I go to bed at 9ish (I'm a creature of habit, habit is security to me and for me - really worries me when I don't have my "routine") I'm awake every hour to go visit the ladies room (sorry if that is TMI but it's the way it is) and at 12 midnight or within the hour, I'm wide awake and up playing farmville, writing in the blog, outside having a smoke with the "boys" etc..  It usually lasts 2 to 3 hours then my mind calms down enough to where I go back to bed and try to sleep a couple more hours.  I get up at 5 a.m. pretty much every morning that C. works so that I can make her breakfast and lunch to take with her.  Then I make my breakfast once she leaves.  We talk on the phone every morning till she gets to work.  I don't know if this is habit for her or if she really wants to because she hates "brain silence" - she says she thinks too much without the radio on or the TV or being able to talk to someone.  

Anyway, I try to take a nap after I eat breakfast and sleep for at least a couple hours - I sleep until I have to get up for work or on the days I'm off I sleep till whenever I happen to wake up.  I have absolutely no healthy sleep routine at all.  Because of that I'm very tired all of the time it seems. ::shrug::

This weekend C. and I drove to Dallas because she wanted to get her stepfather something from Sheplar's I think that's how it's spelled - it's a "real" country western clothing store & go to another store that has boxed sets of old Bonanza and Andy Griffith TV shows for B boy.  We got those - meanwhile I'm hot flashing away and feeling like I'm suffocating lol.  Hormones are going berserk & I'm ready to crawl out of my skin. Afterward she took me to "Joe's Crab Shack" for dinner.  That was really sweet because she knows how much I love seafood.  Plus the fact that other than Red Lobster (which I don't consider a real seafood restaurant, it's all hot air mostly) where you can get seafood in this part of Texas. I get so tired of Tilapia, Catfish or Salmon!  If you do happen to find a grocery store that sells seafood (fish, scallops, frozen shrimp in the shell etc.) you pay a fortune for it.

Back to the story at hand.  We had a combo for two that had Dungeness Crab Clusters, Snow Crab Clusters, Sausages (kind of like Kielbasa) and Boiled Shrimp - they serve it w/ corn on the cob & new potatoes.  We ate the majority of it (the crab) and brought the sausages home for the boys (yes, they loved them).  We also shared one Margarita :) and then we set off for home again. Dallas traffic is awful on a good day - for some reason though the traffic was worse than usual, Dallas has a lot of road construction going on so it made it an even rougher going.  It's hard for me to sit in a vehicle for too long anymore because my legs cramp something awful.

For the most part we had a very nice day together.

I'm not really decided on what I'm fixing for Thanksgiving dinner.  It will hopefully be just the two of us.  C. has 5 days off :)  Granted she told her boss that she was going out of state to get those 5 days, but she has 5 days and she is very excited about that.  It's been probably a year or so that she's had more than one or two days off in a row, did I mention she's a workaholic? plus she has to work twice as hard at what she does because she is working in a field of work that consists of 85 percent males.  That's a whole another story though.

Anyway back to the dinner - I know I'm baking a ham.  I'm not huge on Turkey :(  I'd like to eventually roast a Duck on the holidays if I can talk C. into it.  I'm baking Strawberry Cupcakes and some cookies for dessert.  Probably steaming some green beans and a batch of mashed potatoes and a pan of Crackling Cornbread.  

I have to work Tues, Wed & Friday. The restaurant is closed T'day.

I'm rather worried about my health.  It's not good.  It's not just the menopause that's going on - I haven't talked to C. about it because she grew up w/ a hypochondriac mom and has no patience w/ people and their "not feeling well's" I can't talk to her and I won't ask her to  help me money wise.  She told me it's up to me to work things out.  I have been having symptoms of Diabetes.  I also have symptoms of Shingles.  I can't afford to go to the Clinic.  I have debated going to the ER but it's not like it's a emergency or anything, I have no insurance... can't afford it.  C. has insurance.  So I'm stuck.  I don't know what to do.

That's enough for this post.  I'm tired of what seems to me to be whining. I hate to whine.

Say a prayer for me or whatever it is you all do.

 

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is almost here already.

I enjoy Thanksgiving for the most part.  Before C. and I got together I had spent several years alone on this day. It was just like any other day, being a Server quite a few holidays were spent working which I didn't mind because it usually meant extra money in my pocket, not anymore though, people just don't tip like they used to, oh they want the same service and even if you do have people that are good about tipping the majority will run your ass off and 10 percent your butt if anything at all.  I fussed about this in my other blog too.

The other day I had one customer, nice "church going holier than thou baptist woman" she treated me like crap and I felt such rage go through me - I had such a vivid urge to grab one of the metal water pitchers and just bash her on the head with it.  I mean I literally had my fist clinched I wanted to hit her so bad.

I'm becoming less and less a people person. It used to be I could at least in some manner deal with people for the hours that I worked & was able to walk out the door becoming my anti social self.  That ability is disappearing.

I go to the grocery store - I have almost nilch as far as patience for people that hog the aisles, spend time gossiping w/ friends they see there by being oblivious to people that are trying to get their shopping done and out of the store.  I'll give them a minute then if they don't come up for air I will say excuse me, glare at them with the look of death is coming for you and shove on through.  They don't like it too freaking bad.  The other day C. and I were checking out at the store and this couple was in back of us watching and listening to our conversation...I had to go grab a grocery cart to put the bagged groceries in and in the meantime this namby pamby male had moved into where I needed to stand in order to give the cashier our coupons and to pay for everything...that rage like at work swept through me - I looked at him and walked up to him like "if you don't move your ass I'm going to shove that cart up it" - I don't know where all this anger is coming from. C. says I can give looks that should scare people if they had a ounce of sense.  (that ability comes from a childhood of abuse & not being able to say anything about it, so the "looks" were my way of saying things w/out words).

Just lost focus - I'm sorry. Will write more later.

This is one of the places I go to when I go to Oregon - it's been a long time since I've been there.  This is the view from the condo of one of my best friend's.  Yes, it is cold as it looks lol.  But it's so beautiful...the sounds of the boats rocking in the water, the masts clanging against the masts themselves, the sound of the water hitting the hulls.  Seagulls screaming out looking for their meals, to the right of the boats you see here is where the fishing boats anchor and clean their catches of the night...the seals go there and eat the things the fishermen throw over the sides.  There is a mound of rocks projecting out of the water there where the seals rest...at night you can hear them talk to each other, the sound carries across the water and it is so relaxing.  There is a fishing village there (to the right of the fishing boats) w/ little taverns, shops etc.  It's a very wonderful place to be.  I miss it.  But by now anyone who "knows" me knows how much I miss home.

I know that I will most probably never get C. to move there, her family is here and her nephew who is her prime reason (I think) of living.  I will call him "B boy" - before B boy was born he had a sister, his sister was killed by a teenage drunk driver when she was 7.  B boy came along after.  When he was born it was discovered that he had a tumor on (in) his brain so when he was a day old he had brain surgery.  They removed the tumor but it also left him with stroke like effects on the left side of his body.  He is developmentally disabled as well as physically disabled.  C. is devoted to him.  He is the reason that she will never leave.  C's mom has custody of him but actually it is both C. and her mom that takes care of B boy. 

Going to go now. Bye.

I just write to hear myself "talk" don't I ?

The other recipe..

Eggnog Cheesecake

1 can (13.5 oz.) Pepperidge Farm French Vanilla Pirouette Cookies

1/2 Cup graham cracker crumbs

1/4 cup butter, melted

2 - 8 oz.packages cream cheese, softened

2 Cups cold egg nog

1 1/3 Cups cold whole milk

2 packages (3.4 oz. each) instant vanilla pudding mix

1/2 teaspoon rum extract (or vanilla or even almond)

1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1 Cup heavy whipping cream

Cut each cookie into two 2 1/2 inch sections; set aside.  Crush remaining inch pieces.  In a small bowl, combine cookie crumbs, graham cracker crumbs, and butter; press into the bottom of a greased 9 inch spring-form pan.

In a large bow, beat the cream cheese until smooth.  Add egg nog, milk pudding mixes, extract and nutmeg & beat until smooth; set aside.

In a separate bowl, whip cream until stiff peaks form.  Fold whipped cream into pudding mixture and spoon over crust.  Cover and refrigerate 6 hours or overnight.  Prior to serving, remove sides of pan and arrange reserved cookies around cheesecake by pressing gently into the sides.

Couple of recipes that you might like to try -

Eggnog Cupcakes

The Cupcakes

1 (16 oz.) package of pound cake mix

1 1/4 Cup Egg Nog

2 Large Eggs

1/2 tsp. nutmeg

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Beat all ingredients together at low speed until blended. Increase speed to medium & beat 2 minutes more.  Place baking cups into muffin tin and spoon batter into cups.  Bake for 18-20 minutes or until toothpick inserted into center comes out clean.  Transfer to wire rack; cool completely before frosting.

Frosting

1/2 Cup butter, softened.

3 ounces cream cheese, softened

16 oz. powdered sugar

1/4 cup egg nog

1/2 tsp. nutmeg

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

Beat butter and cream cheese until creamy. Gradually add powdered sugar alternating with egg nog, beginning and ending with sugar and beating at low speed. Add nutmeg and vanilla extract, beat until smooth.  Spread over cupcakes.  Sprinkle w/ ground cinnamon or colored sugar.

Will do the other one later.

and it changes THAT fast...

After I posted the last entry just a little bit ago - I felt this swing occur inside of me - it's a mind thing but it always feels like it's my heart that is involved.  The mood swing, the depression set in, just like that "snap".  What irritates me is people who think depression is an excuse. Or the one suffering from it is lazy - or something along that line.  What I do know is that it feels like someone out of the blue just kicked me in the chest...the sadness is prevalent.

To show how my mind works - I started to think about my mother's "family".  

For those of you who don't know - I do not acknowledge them at all, I've recently (in the past year or two) started maintaining email contact w/ my mother.  I haven't seen my mother since 1996.  I haven't spoken to her since then either.  In fact she didn't even know I where I was or anything until I started maintaining email contact w/ her.  There are a lot of things that occurred over my childhood that I have trouble forgiving her for.  I'm trying. It's a slow process.  To me just the email contact is a big step -

My mother's sister, brother and their families I have absolutely no contact w/ at all.  I have no desire to.  I don't know how to explain what the deal is w/ them; one day maybe I'll be able to formulate the words that are needed - I don't have them right now.  Just anger.

It's 2:43 a.m. I've been up since midnight - it's the hot flash, leg cramping thing that happens every night about the same time, isn't that strange?  so i get up because I don't want to wake up C. and I play Farmville, I look for recipes, take the boys out, write in my blog.  I'll probably go back to bed within the next 30 to 45 minutes.  See if I can get a little more sleep. 

The temperature's here are in the 40's I think tonight, absolutely lovely weather LOL  - I'm serious !!  I love it :)  after the months of being miserable w/ the heat and humidity it's finally beginning to feel like Fall... 

I put a batch of Pinto Bean Soup w/ Smoked Ham Hocks in the crockpot yesterday morning and baked a pan of Cornbread in the evening - and I don't mean the boxed kind of cornbread, but the cornbread from scratch.  To me it turned out great.  I don't know how much C. liked it.  I asked her and she said it was good.  Well, "good" to C. could mean all kinds of levels of appreciation or "I'm just saying it's good so you don't dump the bowl on my head" kind of thing.  Her mother spoiled her too much growing up about what she eats and it's really irritating at times because I miss a lot of the foods I used to eat.  I haven't been out to a chinese restaurant in forever - she won't go.  BUT I despise mexican/tex mex food w/ a passion, yet when she wants fajita's I will go with her and eat that disgusting stuff, but will she go eat Chinese w/ me? nope.  She says I can go alone if I want to eat it.  Sounds fair doesn't it?  Whatever.

I'm out of here.