For some reason the above painting really struck a chord with me.  Could be because I've got this insomnia going on.  Every night I go to bed at 9ish (I'm a creature of habit, habit is security to me and for me - really worries me when I don't have my "routine") I'm awake every hour to go visit the ladies room (sorry if that is TMI but it's the way it is) and at 12 midnight or within the hour, I'm wide awake and up playing farmville, writing in the blog, outside having a smoke with the "boys" etc..  It usually lasts 2 to 3 hours then my mind calms down enough to where I go back to bed and try to sleep a couple more hours.  I get up at 5 a.m. pretty much every morning that C. works so that I can make her breakfast and lunch to take with her.  Then I make my breakfast once she leaves.  We talk on the phone every morning till she gets to work.  I don't know if this is habit for her or if she really wants to because she hates "brain silence" - she says she thinks too much without the radio on or the TV or being able to talk to someone.  

Anyway, I try to take a nap after I eat breakfast and sleep for at least a couple hours - I sleep until I have to get up for work or on the days I'm off I sleep till whenever I happen to wake up.  I have absolutely no healthy sleep routine at all.  Because of that I'm very tired all of the time it seems. ::shrug::

This weekend C. and I drove to Dallas because she wanted to get her stepfather something from Sheplar's I think that's how it's spelled - it's a "real" country western clothing store & go to another store that has boxed sets of old Bonanza and Andy Griffith TV shows for B boy.  We got those - meanwhile I'm hot flashing away and feeling like I'm suffocating lol.  Hormones are going berserk & I'm ready to crawl out of my skin. Afterward she took me to "Joe's Crab Shack" for dinner.  That was really sweet because she knows how much I love seafood.  Plus the fact that other than Red Lobster (which I don't consider a real seafood restaurant, it's all hot air mostly) where you can get seafood in this part of Texas. I get so tired of Tilapia, Catfish or Salmon!  If you do happen to find a grocery store that sells seafood (fish, scallops, frozen shrimp in the shell etc.) you pay a fortune for it.

Back to the story at hand.  We had a combo for two that had Dungeness Crab Clusters, Snow Crab Clusters, Sausages (kind of like Kielbasa) and Boiled Shrimp - they serve it w/ corn on the cob & new potatoes.  We ate the majority of it (the crab) and brought the sausages home for the boys (yes, they loved them).  We also shared one Margarita :) and then we set off for home again. Dallas traffic is awful on a good day - for some reason though the traffic was worse than usual, Dallas has a lot of road construction going on so it made it an even rougher going.  It's hard for me to sit in a vehicle for too long anymore because my legs cramp something awful.

For the most part we had a very nice day together.

I'm not really decided on what I'm fixing for Thanksgiving dinner.  It will hopefully be just the two of us.  C. has 5 days off :)  Granted she told her boss that she was going out of state to get those 5 days, but she has 5 days and she is very excited about that.  It's been probably a year or so that she's had more than one or two days off in a row, did I mention she's a workaholic? plus she has to work twice as hard at what she does because she is working in a field of work that consists of 85 percent males.  That's a whole another story though.

Anyway back to the dinner - I know I'm baking a ham.  I'm not huge on Turkey :(  I'd like to eventually roast a Duck on the holidays if I can talk C. into it.  I'm baking Strawberry Cupcakes and some cookies for dessert.  Probably steaming some green beans and a batch of mashed potatoes and a pan of Crackling Cornbread.  

I have to work Tues, Wed & Friday. The restaurant is closed T'day.

I'm rather worried about my health.  It's not good.  It's not just the menopause that's going on - I haven't talked to C. about it because she grew up w/ a hypochondriac mom and has no patience w/ people and their "not feeling well's" I can't talk to her and I won't ask her to  help me money wise.  She told me it's up to me to work things out.  I have been having symptoms of Diabetes.  I also have symptoms of Shingles.  I can't afford to go to the Clinic.  I have debated going to the ER but it's not like it's a emergency or anything, I have no insurance... can't afford it.  C. has insurance.  So I'm stuck.  I don't know what to do.

That's enough for this post.  I'm tired of what seems to me to be whining. I hate to whine.

Say a prayer for me or whatever it is you all do.

 

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is almost here already.

I enjoy Thanksgiving for the most part.  Before C. and I got together I had spent several years alone on this day. It was just like any other day, being a Server quite a few holidays were spent working which I didn't mind because it usually meant extra money in my pocket, not anymore though, people just don't tip like they used to, oh they want the same service and even if you do have people that are good about tipping the majority will run your ass off and 10 percent your butt if anything at all.  I fussed about this in my other blog too.

The other day I had one customer, nice "church going holier than thou baptist woman" she treated me like crap and I felt such rage go through me - I had such a vivid urge to grab one of the metal water pitchers and just bash her on the head with it.  I mean I literally had my fist clinched I wanted to hit her so bad.

I'm becoming less and less a people person. It used to be I could at least in some manner deal with people for the hours that I worked & was able to walk out the door becoming my anti social self.  That ability is disappearing.

I go to the grocery store - I have almost nilch as far as patience for people that hog the aisles, spend time gossiping w/ friends they see there by being oblivious to people that are trying to get their shopping done and out of the store.  I'll give them a minute then if they don't come up for air I will say excuse me, glare at them with the look of death is coming for you and shove on through.  They don't like it too freaking bad.  The other day C. and I were checking out at the store and this couple was in back of us watching and listening to our conversation...I had to go grab a grocery cart to put the bagged groceries in and in the meantime this namby pamby male had moved into where I needed to stand in order to give the cashier our coupons and to pay for everything...that rage like at work swept through me - I looked at him and walked up to him like "if you don't move your ass I'm going to shove that cart up it" - I don't know where all this anger is coming from. C. says I can give looks that should scare people if they had a ounce of sense.  (that ability comes from a childhood of abuse & not being able to say anything about it, so the "looks" were my way of saying things w/out words).

Just lost focus - I'm sorry. Will write more later.

This is one of the places I go to when I go to Oregon - it's been a long time since I've been there.  This is the view from the condo of one of my best friend's.  Yes, it is cold as it looks lol.  But it's so beautiful...the sounds of the boats rocking in the water, the masts clanging against the masts themselves, the sound of the water hitting the hulls.  Seagulls screaming out looking for their meals, to the right of the boats you see here is where the fishing boats anchor and clean their catches of the night...the seals go there and eat the things the fishermen throw over the sides.  There is a mound of rocks projecting out of the water there where the seals rest...at night you can hear them talk to each other, the sound carries across the water and it is so relaxing.  There is a fishing village there (to the right of the fishing boats) w/ little taverns, shops etc.  It's a very wonderful place to be.  I miss it.  But by now anyone who "knows" me knows how much I miss home.

I know that I will most probably never get C. to move there, her family is here and her nephew who is her prime reason (I think) of living.  I will call him "B boy" - before B boy was born he had a sister, his sister was killed by a teenage drunk driver when she was 7.  B boy came along after.  When he was born it was discovered that he had a tumor on (in) his brain so when he was a day old he had brain surgery.  They removed the tumor but it also left him with stroke like effects on the left side of his body.  He is developmentally disabled as well as physically disabled.  C. is devoted to him.  He is the reason that she will never leave.  C's mom has custody of him but actually it is both C. and her mom that takes care of B boy. 

Going to go now. Bye.

I just write to hear myself "talk" don't I ?

The other recipe..

Eggnog Cheesecake

1 can (13.5 oz.) Pepperidge Farm French Vanilla Pirouette Cookies

1/2 Cup graham cracker crumbs

1/4 cup butter, melted

2 - 8 oz.packages cream cheese, softened

2 Cups cold egg nog

1 1/3 Cups cold whole milk

2 packages (3.4 oz. each) instant vanilla pudding mix

1/2 teaspoon rum extract (or vanilla or even almond)

1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1 Cup heavy whipping cream

Cut each cookie into two 2 1/2 inch sections; set aside.  Crush remaining inch pieces.  In a small bowl, combine cookie crumbs, graham cracker crumbs, and butter; press into the bottom of a greased 9 inch spring-form pan.

In a large bow, beat the cream cheese until smooth.  Add egg nog, milk pudding mixes, extract and nutmeg & beat until smooth; set aside.

In a separate bowl, whip cream until stiff peaks form.  Fold whipped cream into pudding mixture and spoon over crust.  Cover and refrigerate 6 hours or overnight.  Prior to serving, remove sides of pan and arrange reserved cookies around cheesecake by pressing gently into the sides.

Couple of recipes that you might like to try -

Eggnog Cupcakes

The Cupcakes

1 (16 oz.) package of pound cake mix

1 1/4 Cup Egg Nog

2 Large Eggs

1/2 tsp. nutmeg

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Beat all ingredients together at low speed until blended. Increase speed to medium & beat 2 minutes more.  Place baking cups into muffin tin and spoon batter into cups.  Bake for 18-20 minutes or until toothpick inserted into center comes out clean.  Transfer to wire rack; cool completely before frosting.

Frosting

1/2 Cup butter, softened.

3 ounces cream cheese, softened

16 oz. powdered sugar

1/4 cup egg nog

1/2 tsp. nutmeg

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

Beat butter and cream cheese until creamy. Gradually add powdered sugar alternating with egg nog, beginning and ending with sugar and beating at low speed. Add nutmeg and vanilla extract, beat until smooth.  Spread over cupcakes.  Sprinkle w/ ground cinnamon or colored sugar.

Will do the other one later.

and it changes THAT fast...

After I posted the last entry just a little bit ago - I felt this swing occur inside of me - it's a mind thing but it always feels like it's my heart that is involved.  The mood swing, the depression set in, just like that "snap".  What irritates me is people who think depression is an excuse. Or the one suffering from it is lazy - or something along that line.  What I do know is that it feels like someone out of the blue just kicked me in the chest...the sadness is prevalent.

To show how my mind works - I started to think about my mother's "family".  

For those of you who don't know - I do not acknowledge them at all, I've recently (in the past year or two) started maintaining email contact w/ my mother.  I haven't seen my mother since 1996.  I haven't spoken to her since then either.  In fact she didn't even know I where I was or anything until I started maintaining email contact w/ her.  There are a lot of things that occurred over my childhood that I have trouble forgiving her for.  I'm trying. It's a slow process.  To me just the email contact is a big step -

My mother's sister, brother and their families I have absolutely no contact w/ at all.  I have no desire to.  I don't know how to explain what the deal is w/ them; one day maybe I'll be able to formulate the words that are needed - I don't have them right now.  Just anger.

It's 2:43 a.m. I've been up since midnight - it's the hot flash, leg cramping thing that happens every night about the same time, isn't that strange?  so i get up because I don't want to wake up C. and I play Farmville, I look for recipes, take the boys out, write in my blog.  I'll probably go back to bed within the next 30 to 45 minutes.  See if I can get a little more sleep. 

The temperature's here are in the 40's I think tonight, absolutely lovely weather LOL  - I'm serious !!  I love it :)  after the months of being miserable w/ the heat and humidity it's finally beginning to feel like Fall... 

I put a batch of Pinto Bean Soup w/ Smoked Ham Hocks in the crockpot yesterday morning and baked a pan of Cornbread in the evening - and I don't mean the boxed kind of cornbread, but the cornbread from scratch.  To me it turned out great.  I don't know how much C. liked it.  I asked her and she said it was good.  Well, "good" to C. could mean all kinds of levels of appreciation or "I'm just saying it's good so you don't dump the bowl on my head" kind of thing.  Her mother spoiled her too much growing up about what she eats and it's really irritating at times because I miss a lot of the foods I used to eat.  I haven't been out to a chinese restaurant in forever - she won't go.  BUT I despise mexican/tex mex food w/ a passion, yet when she wants fajita's I will go with her and eat that disgusting stuff, but will she go eat Chinese w/ me? nope.  She says I can go alone if I want to eat it.  Sounds fair doesn't it?  Whatever.

I'm out of here.

One of my dreams -

As far back as I can remember I have had this fascination with Great Britain - enveloping England, Wales, Scotland.  I have no idea what the draw is really but it's something that's way deep inside of me, it's like I'm supposed to go there, does that make sense?  Do you know what a "lodestone" is?  In my mind it's like the north position on a compass - it always swings back there.  I really have no desire to go anywhere else (clarification, my desire to go anywhere else in Europe is almost non existent) compared to Great Britain.  My bloodline are from Hungary pretty much but do I have a desire to go there? nope.  England it is.  :)  

 The pictures above are of Cornwall - there is a lot of myths, legends and ghost stories associated with Cornwall, it's beautiful - to me.

 This picture is from the other side of England - Northumberland, granted it's a romanticized picture, yet even without this aspect of the photo - it's still beautiful.

The above photo's here are of Scotland -

 And these photo's are 1.) of course the too recognizable "Stonehenge" and the one below is of Wales...

Quite a few people don't care for cold weather and rain, but I like it, I'm the most comfortable in that climate.

One day, hopefully I will get there.  I hope it is before I'm too old to appreciate it.  Too old to be able to do what I wish.

For some reason it scares me to think that I will never go there.  Isn't that strange?  I have no idea where that fear comes from but it does.

Going to go now.  Sorry about the strange post today - it was something I felt I needed to bring notice to - not for you all, but for myself.

Thoughts, Wishes & Worries

What does Autumn make you think of?  What does it make you feel within the general scheme of your life?

To me, it's a time of snuggling in, of comfort - I don't know - hope?  Some people could/would look at it as a time of decay, of endings.  Sometimes if I really look out there in the world I wonder if it's more of the latter than what I see and feel it as.  I think all my life I've pretty much looked at it as the time when I can unwind & get rid of all the tension that Summer has left.  I guess it's because I really, REALLY don't like Summer at all, I never have as far back as I can remember and I can remember a long way back in my life.  Winter has the same effect on me it's comforting.

Being in Texas is a very foreign concept, I've been here a few years now and it's never changed.  Granted when I first came to this god forsaken state I lived in the South Eastern part of Texas and the only thing good I can think of about the Eastern Part that I live in now is that it is colder during the Winter.  Or at least it has been in the past.  This year has been disappointing.  I keep waiting and waiting for the temperatures to actually drop and stay dropped. For the freaking humidity to STOP.  After months of dealing with upper 90's to the 110's w/ feels like temperatures of total misery the wait is really getting to me.  I'm a cold weather person, always have been and I've never been able to abide heat OR humidity (desert or tropical).  So I'm putting it out there in the Cosmos for the temps to please get to where I can be happy.

The only reason I'm here is because of C.  if it weren't for her I'd be back in Oregon faster than you could blink.  I miss my mountains, the ocean (the seaside in Oregon is so absolutely beautiful, no you can't swim in it ::this is because the Alaskan Sea runs right into it:: but you can walk on the beach for long distances, you can hear the wind blow, at times see the whales migrate in the distance, watch the seals when they come onto the beach, large rock formations that when the tide goes out leaves tidal pools full of little creatures, sit on petrified logs that have washed up on shore from goodness knows where...)

I miss downtown Portland with it's richness of culture, of acceptability (yes there are those that aren't so acceptable but the majority is and that's what counts)  I miss the coffee houses, the bookstores, the restaurants, Saturday Market (it's really open on Sat & Sun but that's what it is called).  It's a wonderful place.  Yes, it has it's share of crime etc. I love the rain there - it's not like it is here, you rarely get thunderstorms in that part of the state, occasionally yes - but mostly not.  The rain is a gentle rain for the most part and you don't get the humidity like you do here in Texas.

They have elections today (I think it's today) and I'm not very enthusiastic about it.  It's going to wind up being the same 'ol, same 'ol - Rick Perry (he's a freaking arrogant JERK) I can't and won't even go into detail about him, just look him up on the internet.  Bill White the democratic runner for Gov. he seems like a nice enough fellow & has some good ideas.  The area of Texas I live in is ultra conservative in almost all areas. ( 9 out of 10 to give you an idea)  religious freaks control everything - they won't admit it and it's not a "known" thing but you know they do.  It's not right nor fair.  Old money controls this county too.  Everything is about church, schools (I'm going to put this out there and it may offend some of my friends that are parents - BUT, as a "single" ::in the eyes of the government AND most heterosexual's eyes:: non breeder ::I haven't had kids, never wanted them:: ::and no that doesn't make me a selfish, ungrateful, unnatural female, it means I had the sense to not get into that situation even if I were straight::

Why the hell should I pay taxes for schools?  Make the people that have children pay the taxes...you have more kids you pay more taxes, I don't want your burden.  Believe me there are A LOT of single, unmarried and married people that feel that way that haven't had kids, it's not just me.  I also resent paying taxes etc. when I'm not afforded the same rights and perks as heterosexuals.  I wonder how many businesses that are out there that are adamantly against gay people - would turn away their money? oh, they will take your money, smile to your face and wish you were dead behind your back and behind those fake smiles.  

I'm sorry if that sounds kind of bitter but the truth is  - it's really like that and unless you are gay/lesbian - you don't really "know".  You may think you know, you may empathize, you may support the gay/lesbian causes - but unless you live our lives you can't know. not really.

I'll shut up now.

Please don't be offended by anything I've written.  I'm venting and looking inside myself and out at the world.  The world isn't that appealing right now.  I'm frustrated and irritated.

Hopefully today will be a better day.  I hear thunder in the distance.  It sounds comforting.

This is what C. and I spent our time doing this weekend pretty much.  The new Fable 3 for X Box came out - C. was up almost all night on Saturday playing this game, I had gone to bed at 9 p.m.  But then with the Menopause I was up again at 1 and went back to bed at 3.

Sunday night was hard for me - October 31st Heathen passed on at 8:45 p.m. 2 years ago last night.  I know I keep talking about him but I think I always will.  It's just the way of things with me.

Today has been very quiet for me.  Haven't been feeling that well with both my tummy and a "right there" Migraine but not quite there.  It's November 1st and it's muggy as heck here in Texas.  it's about 76 or so.  Thank goodness it's not in the 80's or 90's.  I want the COLD to get here darn it.  You know, real fall weather and winter time.

Was reading earlier where Portland was getting oodles of rain.  I miss that place.  I miss home.

I have no idea what is going to happen with the elections here in Texas.  I want Bill White to win for Governor, Rick Perry is a egomaniac and he has a whole lot of old and new money in his back pocket.  He is the most arrogant, obnoxious, self serving individual that has ever been in elected office outside of George Double yah Bush. but that is only my opinion.  I'm also hoping that the religious zealots in this county are beat and they allow alcohol to be sold here.  That I don't know about either.  It's a truly pathetic state.

I'm out of here. Already texted C. and told her I wasn't cooking dinner...it's cereal or sandwiches or nothing.