and it changes THAT fast...

After I posted the last entry just a little bit ago - I felt this swing occur inside of me - it's a mind thing but it always feels like it's my heart that is involved.  The mood swing, the depression set in, just like that "snap".  What irritates me is people who think depression is an excuse. Or the one suffering from it is lazy - or something along that line.  What I do know is that it feels like someone out of the blue just kicked me in the chest...the sadness is prevalent.

To show how my mind works - I started to think about my mother's "family".  

For those of you who don't know - I do not acknowledge them at all, I've recently (in the past year or two) started maintaining email contact w/ my mother.  I haven't seen my mother since 1996.  I haven't spoken to her since then either.  In fact she didn't even know I where I was or anything until I started maintaining email contact w/ her.  There are a lot of things that occurred over my childhood that I have trouble forgiving her for.  I'm trying. It's a slow process.  To me just the email contact is a big step -

My mother's sister, brother and their families I have absolutely no contact w/ at all.  I have no desire to.  I don't know how to explain what the deal is w/ them; one day maybe I'll be able to formulate the words that are needed - I don't have them right now.  Just anger.

It's 2:43 a.m. I've been up since midnight - it's the hot flash, leg cramping thing that happens every night about the same time, isn't that strange?  so i get up because I don't want to wake up C. and I play Farmville, I look for recipes, take the boys out, write in my blog.  I'll probably go back to bed within the next 30 to 45 minutes.  See if I can get a little more sleep. 

The temperature's here are in the 40's I think tonight, absolutely lovely weather LOL  - I'm serious !!  I love it :)  after the months of being miserable w/ the heat and humidity it's finally beginning to feel like Fall... 

I put a batch of Pinto Bean Soup w/ Smoked Ham Hocks in the crockpot yesterday morning and baked a pan of Cornbread in the evening - and I don't mean the boxed kind of cornbread, but the cornbread from scratch.  To me it turned out great.  I don't know how much C. liked it.  I asked her and she said it was good.  Well, "good" to C. could mean all kinds of levels of appreciation or "I'm just saying it's good so you don't dump the bowl on my head" kind of thing.  Her mother spoiled her too much growing up about what she eats and it's really irritating at times because I miss a lot of the foods I used to eat.  I haven't been out to a chinese restaurant in forever - she won't go.  BUT I despise mexican/tex mex food w/ a passion, yet when she wants fajita's I will go with her and eat that disgusting stuff, but will she go eat Chinese w/ me? nope.  She says I can go alone if I want to eat it.  Sounds fair doesn't it?  Whatever.

I'm out of here.