Life's Harvest

I know that I haven't written in awhile.  I start to then I push it away.  I think too much on what people will think or judge.

I'm going through a really rough time right now - mentally, emotionally, physically.

I've always been susceptible to depression and let's say it's going wild right now.  Not sure if it's the weather, this incessant heat is killing me.  We're going on 47 days of triple digit temperatures for the exception on a couple that stayed in the upper 90's - with the humidity is wipes me out.  I have never been able to tolerate heat very well and this is awful.  I hate it.  C. won't let me lower the a/c below 79 degrees and that's not much coolness in the house w/ all the humidity.  Though don't get me wrong I'm very thankful for that little bit of relief that relief the a/c provides.  Next week we are supposed to have highs of 107/108 degrees w/ full humidity. That's not saying what the actual heat index is... closer to 115/120 degrees.  I have no a/c in my car.  C. won't even offer to fix it. She works with cars every day in the service department of the dealership she works for. And she makes damned good money.  By the time I get home from work I'm literally shaking from the heat, legs all wobbly and my heart rate is racing. 

Emotionally/mentally I'm all done in. C. made the comment the other day that I have made myself completely emotionally/physically unavailable.  I wasn't aware that I had done that but I guess I have.  I don't feel a part of this relationship most of the time. I don't feel most of the time that we are a real couple. She separates too much of us. I don't feel secure with her, I don't feel safe, I don't feel like I am a partner.

She has always known that I don't make the amount of money that she does, that I never will at this stage in my life.  Everything is divided.  Not together.  Everything is always "hers" "mine" etc. etc. rarely do I hear "ours".

Don't get me wrong, C. is a great person, a wonderful person - but it always seems that it's someone else that get's the help - not me.  Esp. w/ her family.  It's gotten to where I don't really want to have anything to do with them.  To me they are just another division between us.  Anymore when her mother beckons her I just say "go on" "do what you have to" just as long as I don't have to deal with them and I can get some peace and quiet.  Too much drama in that direction.  I'll support her in her decisions but don't expect me to be a part of them more than I am right now.

Her mother is a narcissistic, jealous, unhappy person. She doesn't show it to strangers or even really to me.  I just know what I know from her playing games in order to control C. - C. puts up with this stuff because her mother uses C's nephew as a bargaining chip.  C. loves her nephew completely, more than me or anyone else in this world.  It's pathetic what her mother does to C. but C. puts up w/ it just so she can see her nephew.

My health isn't good right now.  There are several things going on that I won't get into. I need to see a Dr. but I can't afford one.  I've tried to save enough money but w/ the economy being what it is my hours aren't long enough at work and I don't kiss ass well enough in order to MAYBE get more.  There aren't hardly any jobs around (at least one's that will hire a 50 year old woman) and believe me I've tried.  There are only a couple of clinics in this damned town and they still cost money that I don't have.  I've considered going to the ER but I have no idea what to tell them that warrants a trip to the ER.  Besides, I feel like such a loser in doing so because there are so many people out there who really need the ER.  If I could only come up with a day or two of a 104 degree temperature or something.  That would make a great excuse.  Or I break a leg or something.

C. has made no effort or suggestion to help me get to the Dr. or get medical treatment.  Yet, she goes and get's a $800 dollar I Pad 2... granted it is her money, but what am I?  Would this happen in a straight marriage?  I don't know.  I'm so discouraged about the whole thing.

It doesn't help that I'm missing Oregon like crazy.  I hate this ::excuse my language please but I need to express:: fucking state.  I hate the mentality, the freaking social conservatism, the hate, the judgmental assholes, the baptist churches controlling everything "not openly just behind the scenes" - I'm tire of the old money in this freaking town that controls everything.  The ignorance, the prejudice - too much of it and it's killing my spirit.  And you sure as heck can't say anything about any of it out loud or I'd be out of a job, if I say anything about C. and I - we'd both be out of a job and be cast outs.

Perry is actually seriously considering running for president !!!  That is terrifying.  The man is a liar, a moron, a big money man.  I'm going to Canada if he wins. Kidding - but believe me, if he wins this country is in some deep trouble.  He's a very scary man, take this from someone that lives in the same state he is governor of.  He really, really scares me.

I'm going to go for now.  Thank you for listening.  I'm sorry it's such a gripe session but I need to write something, somewhere.

Draco, Lares and Kissy all say hi.