I know that I haven't written in awhile.  I start to then I push it away.  I think too much on what people will think or judge.

I'm going through a really rough time right now - mentally, emotionally, physically.

I've always been susceptible to depression and let's say it's going wild right now.  Not sure if it's the weather, this incessant heat is killing me.  We're going on 47 days of triple digit temperatures for the exception on a couple that stayed in the upper 90's - with the humidity is wipes me out.  I have never been able to tolerate heat very well and this is awful.  I hate it.  C. won't let me lower the a/c below 79 degrees and that's not much coolness in the house w/ all the humidity.  Though don't get me wrong I'm very thankful for that little bit of relief that relief the a/c provides.  Next week we are supposed to have highs of 107/108 degrees w/ full humidity. That's not saying what the actual heat index is... closer to 115/120 degrees.  I have no a/c in my car.  C. won't even offer to fix it. She works with cars every day in the service department of the dealership she works for. And she makes damned good money.  By the time I get home from work I'm literally shaking from the heat, legs all wobbly and my heart rate is racing. 

Emotionally/mentally I'm all done in. C. made the comment the other day that I have made myself completely emotionally/physically unavailable.  I wasn't aware that I had done that but I guess I have.  I don't feel a part of this relationship most of the time. I don't feel most of the time that we are a real couple. She separates too much of us. I don't feel secure with her, I don't feel safe, I don't feel like I am a partner.

She has always known that I don't make the amount of money that she does, that I never will at this stage in my life.  Everything is divided.  Not together.  Everything is always "hers" "mine" etc. etc. rarely do I hear "ours".

Don't get me wrong, C. is a great person, a wonderful person - but it always seems that it's someone else that get's the help - not me.  Esp. w/ her family.  It's gotten to where I don't really want to have anything to do with them.  To me they are just another division between us.  Anymore when her mother beckons her I just say "go on" "do what you have to" just as long as I don't have to deal with them and I can get some peace and quiet.  Too much drama in that direction.  I'll support her in her decisions but don't expect me to be a part of them more than I am right now.

Her mother is a narcissistic, jealous, unhappy person. She doesn't show it to strangers or even really to me.  I just know what I know from her playing games in order to control C. - C. puts up with this stuff because her mother uses C's nephew as a bargaining chip.  C. loves her nephew completely, more than me or anyone else in this world.  It's pathetic what her mother does to C. but C. puts up w/ it just so she can see her nephew.

My health isn't good right now.  There are several things going on that I won't get into. I need to see a Dr. but I can't afford one.  I've tried to save enough money but w/ the economy being what it is my hours aren't long enough at work and I don't kiss ass well enough in order to MAYBE get more.  There aren't hardly any jobs around (at least one's that will hire a 50 year old woman) and believe me I've tried.  There are only a couple of clinics in this damned town and they still cost money that I don't have.  I've considered going to the ER but I have no idea what to tell them that warrants a trip to the ER.  Besides, I feel like such a loser in doing so because there are so many people out there who really need the ER.  If I could only come up with a day or two of a 104 degree temperature or something.  That would make a great excuse.  Or I break a leg or something.

C. has made no effort or suggestion to help me get to the Dr. or get medical treatment.  Yet, she goes and get's a $800 dollar I Pad 2... granted it is her money, but what am I?  Would this happen in a straight marriage?  I don't know.  I'm so discouraged about the whole thing.

It doesn't help that I'm missing Oregon like crazy.  I hate this ::excuse my language please but I need to express:: fucking state.  I hate the mentality, the freaking social conservatism, the hate, the judgmental assholes, the baptist churches controlling everything "not openly just behind the scenes" - I'm tire of the old money in this freaking town that controls everything.  The ignorance, the prejudice - too much of it and it's killing my spirit.  And you sure as heck can't say anything about any of it out loud or I'd be out of a job, if I say anything about C. and I - we'd both be out of a job and be cast outs.

Perry is actually seriously considering running for president !!!  That is terrifying.  The man is a liar, a moron, a big money man.  I'm going to Canada if he wins. Kidding - but believe me, if he wins this country is in some deep trouble.  He's a very scary man, take this from someone that lives in the same state he is governor of.  He really, really scares me.

I'm going to go for now.  Thank you for listening.  I'm sorry it's such a gripe session but I need to write something, somewhere.

Draco, Lares and Kissy all say hi.

bad day

Really, really bad day today - at work  anyway. I work with a bunch of young, immature, irresponsible idiots.  Backstabbing, gossiping one's at that too. I know I've said a few times over the past couple of years how bad they are there.  They're worse.  I think it's time for Teresa to quit being so nice.  To find out she has teeth & claws.

I've been trying to calm down now for the past couple hours and I'm still upset.  I'm still angry.

Here's another video by Godsmack - it's called appropriately - "Cryin' like a bitch!" - it's a angry video but it suits how I'm feeling and how much I'd like to crucify the fools asses at work and send the pieces home to their mommy's and daddy's.

 

Good Morning friends,

Well, I have to say it's pretty chilly here though not near what it is up north and east of here - or even just north :) It's been below freezing here for the past week (which I really like but C. hates) mainly because I'm thinking about what it's going to be like in the summer time lol.

I'm appreciating this weather for all it's worth!

It snowed here again Thursday night and all morning Friday which promptly turned to icy roads and I mean ice - not just slush or wet snow. I called into work, there was no way I was driving all that way (almost 20 miles) to get myself almost killed or even killed.  People around here found out that even their big ol' pick em up trucks can't even handle roads like that, semi's jack knifed everywhere - other vehicles too - from SUV's to little car's.  The road in front of our home, even though it's a rural old farmer's market road is usually pretty busy - there was hardly a soul on it yesterday!  Kind of strange really but appreciated very much by me.  Our propane delivery came even in this weather - glad about that, would have hated to have run out of propane (that's what heats the house and the water heater.)  Propane prices are getting up there along with gas for cars :(  it was 2.69 a gallon (the propane).  Good thing is we only for the most part have to fill the tank twice a year.  

SO - we have lovely snow outside - ice on the roads - the snow in the yard is turning to ice on top and Lares and Draco are almost tip toeing going into the back yard. It's funny. 

Don't know if we will be able to get out to do anything today or not - depends on road conditions and if C. wants to.

Her birthday is on Monday and I still have no idea what to get the gadget guru.  Think I will get her a gift certificate from Best Buy - one of her favorite stores. Almost anything to do with computers she likes.

Other than that it's the same ol' same ol'. 

Are any of you familiar with the band "Godsmack"?  I really like them - they have one song in particular that I really like it's called "Voodoo" the lead singer, Sully, is Wiccan and in the video below it shows a high ceremony being cast by Laurie Cabbot's Coven.  She is a really famous Witch from Salem, Mass.  A high ceremony cast by a Coven the size of her's is spine tingling because the power they raise is awesome. And yes, they do raise power, it's not just the stuff of fiction books or movies.  Sully is a member of her Coven.  Did you know that during World War II that Witches (one's that belonged to Covens and Solitary practitioners) toward the end of the war, raised a world wide cone of power? To help stop the war? they did this with both the Japanese and against Hitler.  And you Christians thought you had the moratorium on prayer.  Prayer comes from many sources and not always the one's that you expect.

Here is the video for "Voodoo" - I think because I'm in a mood to show videos from You Tube on some songs that's what I'm going to do :)

This video shows some elements of Voodoo/Hoodoo - Voodoo is white magic, Hoodoo is black magic.  Voodoo/Hoodoo scares me a little.  It's probably the same premise as a lot of Christians have towards Paganism or Wicca.  Though it's not as much ignorance on my part, it's because I know what it can do.  The Hoodoo part.

Here's another it's called "Stand Alone".




I think I'm going now. Loss of focus and major hot flash coming on LOL.  I could go outside right now and make the snow melt.

Nightmare

I had a horrible nightmare.  I've been awake for about a hour and a half now wishing it would go away - I very rarely remember dreams let alone nightmares but for some reason this one is remaining with me.

What I do remember of the dream is Cindy and I are in our relationship in this awful place that is so conservative it's pathetic.  You know, I've written about it before.

There was a young gentleman (I use that term loosely as what he turns in to in the dream is far from that) who was one of my regular's. One who always asked for my section at work, who was always polite etc.  One day I was off of work and he came in to eat - somehow or other during recent time it had become common knowledge that I was a lesbian to my co workers (not in real life but in the dream) and someone mentioned it to him out of pure maliciousness because they were aware that he had a crush on me.  Well - he took it quite badly and when he came in the next time while I was working he confronted me about it I didn't deny it, I didn't affirm it but I didn't deny either.  A few weeks past by and I started noticing him popping up places where I frequented, didn't think anything truly about it beyond a passing thought because this IS a small town, people cross each others paths all the time.  Along this time in the dream my memory of it is foggy at best, but then it picks up where he breaks into a straight friends house that is very good friends w/ C. and I - he has a wife and 2 children.  He shot the children, the wife & finally the friend - he shot him twice, but it didn't put him out (the friend) and he was conscious enough still where he tried to call 911 - the crazy person caught him doing it and shot him in the head.  This went on over and over w/ friends of C's and I's...the last I remember he had broken into our house, shot the dogs and the cat and was about to shoot C. that's when I woke up.  It was so vivid and it was one of those dreams where it hugs you deep into it and it won't allow you to wake up.  I jerked myself awake finally and it was awful, it was like I was in a full panic attack and because I wasn't truly awake I went around the house looking for C. and the boys & kissy.  Didn't start calming down till I had seen the boys asleep in the living room and texted C. to find out if she was ok (she's at work).  She answered and that's when I started coming down off the panic issue.

Why the hell would I dream about something that awful???  I don't know why but its frightening in and of itself.

Hello again -


I always write it seems in the dead of night LOL - it's 2:16 a.m. I'm up w/ my nightly menopause :) (aren't you getting tired of reading that almost each entry?)  


Well, a couple of you know this weekend (Sunday to be precise) C. and I went xmas shopping. C. got me my xmas present which is a 24 inch computer monitor.  I like it a lot but I feel guilty because I think of all the other things I need or "we" need for the house etc.   Then again I think that as much as I use and am on my computer it's nice to be able to have something I can see a lot more easily.  Let's just say my eyes are getting older lol.  I have a problem w/ distance viewing but more and more lately (along w/ all my other moans and groans - maybe you thinking "does she ever have anything good to say/and or feel?") that the nearer things are getting harder to see as clearly.


Going to hopefully be mailing out the xmas cards & the couple of presents for friends that need to go out this week.  I've been after C. for the last couple weeks to get me a list of who she wants to send cards out to and she's procrastinated :(  It's ok though because I tend to do the same thing at times.  She's going to get together a list tonight after work.  Speaking of her work, it's been  hell lately (more than usual) the owner of this dealership proclaims himself to be a "god fearing christian".  Bull.  He wouldn't do what he does to his employees if he were.  Karma's hell too I keep telling C.  Every xmas he does the same thing, firing people left and right, demoting etc.  cutting people's wages drastically or making it harder for them to do what they need to do to make the same wage or break even, meanwhile he's rolling around in his little cash bag while people are struggling to pay the bills, rent, mortgages, put food on the table.  He's buying new cars, boats, etc.  granted it IS his money, but what he does to make that money is dishonest and immoral.  Can't stand the creep.  He's been in to where I work to eat often, he leave's extremely good tips so the server's all want to wait on him.  I could care less because I know who and what he is - to the people that don't know him he's a great person. Me?  nope. he's a ass.  Anyway, the last time I served him (which I don't kiss his ass like everyone else) and he wrote the tip on his credit card voucher, I stood there in front of him and crossed it out.  I wasn't going to take the Judas money when he has treated C. the way he has. So needless to say that got his attention.  I don't treat him any different than any other guest that I wait on.


Damn it. Lost focus. I hate when that happens.  It's very frustrating.  Going to go on that note.


Oh !!  before I go, C. and I went to the high school championship football game that they had at the Dallas Cowboy's new stadium Friday night - a two hour trip turned into four hours because of the amount of people going to this thing - bumper to bumper traffic.  The stadium is very nice.  Do you know how many people were there for this thing???  this is just from TWO counties (two high schools)!  20,560 people. Jeez.

A quick update as to the goings on here and the has already gone on :)

To make it short and sweet nothing much has been going on at all - the same day to day things.

This past weekend though C. and I went to a absolutely HUGE flea market, it was a nice day for the exception of the amount of people there (I don't do well in crowds like that, I have panic attacks and the amount of people that were invading my personal space drove me nuts) C. knows this about me though and was watching out for the most part.  I'm very funny about people that walk up behind me or stay on my butt in crowds, I've come close to hitting people before for doing that, it's not their fault, it's leftovers from a past relationship.  I'm like that in bars too (you will find me usually somewhere where I can put my back in a corner and no one can get to me from behind if I am just sitting somewhere).  C. and I had a good time and before we knew it (we got there around 9 a.m.) it was going on 4 pm.  Didn't get much, some odds and ends - we had been looking for a "Chiminera" for a while now, found a really nice "Fat bellied" one for $60 - also got one for C's mom to burn leaves in.  That was her Mom's xmas present - good thing about having a pick up truck LOL  just loaded those suckers right up in there and drove them home c a r e f u l l y.  We both were exhausted by the time we got home, first thing I did was head to the shower, I felt filthy because of all the dust and dirt we had walked through.  The "boys" were so glad see us :)  Had to have some major cuddle time before they were content again.

I have been absolutely loving this cooler weather - I wish it were like this all year long, I'd be happier about living in this state if it were.

On Friday night we are going to the Dallas Cowboys new stadium to watch a High School state football championship.  I hate no idea what the right name is for it but C. really, really wanted to go (I didn't care) so we are going, it will make C. happy and I like that :)  She's going to take me for Chinese one day/night as a reward LOL  I didn't suggest anything about it, she suggested it and I jumped right on that of course LOL.  Now, we will just see if it happens.  One of the football teams playing is her high school alma mater or whatever it is you call it.  We shall see.

Heading out, it's almost 3 a.m. and I woke up with hot flashes at about 12:30 a.m. from the Menopause - going to try to go back to bed and get a couple hours sleep before I have to get up and make C's breakfast.

Ciao.

 

For some reason the above painting really struck a chord with me.  Could be because I've got this insomnia going on.  Every night I go to bed at 9ish (I'm a creature of habit, habit is security to me and for me - really worries me when I don't have my "routine") I'm awake every hour to go visit the ladies room (sorry if that is TMI but it's the way it is) and at 12 midnight or within the hour, I'm wide awake and up playing farmville, writing in the blog, outside having a smoke with the "boys" etc..  It usually lasts 2 to 3 hours then my mind calms down enough to where I go back to bed and try to sleep a couple more hours.  I get up at 5 a.m. pretty much every morning that C. works so that I can make her breakfast and lunch to take with her.  Then I make my breakfast once she leaves.  We talk on the phone every morning till she gets to work.  I don't know if this is habit for her or if she really wants to because she hates "brain silence" - she says she thinks too much without the radio on or the TV or being able to talk to someone.  

Anyway, I try to take a nap after I eat breakfast and sleep for at least a couple hours - I sleep until I have to get up for work or on the days I'm off I sleep till whenever I happen to wake up.  I have absolutely no healthy sleep routine at all.  Because of that I'm very tired all of the time it seems. ::shrug::

This weekend C. and I drove to Dallas because she wanted to get her stepfather something from Sheplar's I think that's how it's spelled - it's a "real" country western clothing store & go to another store that has boxed sets of old Bonanza and Andy Griffith TV shows for B boy.  We got those - meanwhile I'm hot flashing away and feeling like I'm suffocating lol.  Hormones are going berserk & I'm ready to crawl out of my skin. Afterward she took me to "Joe's Crab Shack" for dinner.  That was really sweet because she knows how much I love seafood.  Plus the fact that other than Red Lobster (which I don't consider a real seafood restaurant, it's all hot air mostly) where you can get seafood in this part of Texas. I get so tired of Tilapia, Catfish or Salmon!  If you do happen to find a grocery store that sells seafood (fish, scallops, frozen shrimp in the shell etc.) you pay a fortune for it.

Back to the story at hand.  We had a combo for two that had Dungeness Crab Clusters, Snow Crab Clusters, Sausages (kind of like Kielbasa) and Boiled Shrimp - they serve it w/ corn on the cob & new potatoes.  We ate the majority of it (the crab) and brought the sausages home for the boys (yes, they loved them).  We also shared one Margarita :) and then we set off for home again. Dallas traffic is awful on a good day - for some reason though the traffic was worse than usual, Dallas has a lot of road construction going on so it made it an even rougher going.  It's hard for me to sit in a vehicle for too long anymore because my legs cramp something awful.

For the most part we had a very nice day together.

I'm not really decided on what I'm fixing for Thanksgiving dinner.  It will hopefully be just the two of us.  C. has 5 days off :)  Granted she told her boss that she was going out of state to get those 5 days, but she has 5 days and she is very excited about that.  It's been probably a year or so that she's had more than one or two days off in a row, did I mention she's a workaholic? plus she has to work twice as hard at what she does because she is working in a field of work that consists of 85 percent males.  That's a whole another story though.

Anyway back to the dinner - I know I'm baking a ham.  I'm not huge on Turkey :(  I'd like to eventually roast a Duck on the holidays if I can talk C. into it.  I'm baking Strawberry Cupcakes and some cookies for dessert.  Probably steaming some green beans and a batch of mashed potatoes and a pan of Crackling Cornbread.  

I have to work Tues, Wed & Friday. The restaurant is closed T'day.

I'm rather worried about my health.  It's not good.  It's not just the menopause that's going on - I haven't talked to C. about it because she grew up w/ a hypochondriac mom and has no patience w/ people and their "not feeling well's" I can't talk to her and I won't ask her to  help me money wise.  She told me it's up to me to work things out.  I have been having symptoms of Diabetes.  I also have symptoms of Shingles.  I can't afford to go to the Clinic.  I have debated going to the ER but it's not like it's a emergency or anything, I have no insurance... can't afford it.  C. has insurance.  So I'm stuck.  I don't know what to do.

That's enough for this post.  I'm tired of what seems to me to be whining. I hate to whine.

Say a prayer for me or whatever it is you all do.