Thoughts, Wishes & Worries

What does Autumn make you think of?  What does it make you feel within the general scheme of your life?

To me, it's a time of snuggling in, of comfort - I don't know - hope?  Some people could/would look at it as a time of decay, of endings.  Sometimes if I really look out there in the world I wonder if it's more of the latter than what I see and feel it as.  I think all my life I've pretty much looked at it as the time when I can unwind & get rid of all the tension that Summer has left.  I guess it's because I really, REALLY don't like Summer at all, I never have as far back as I can remember and I can remember a long way back in my life.  Winter has the same effect on me it's comforting.

Being in Texas is a very foreign concept, I've been here a few years now and it's never changed.  Granted when I first came to this god forsaken state I lived in the South Eastern part of Texas and the only thing good I can think of about the Eastern Part that I live in now is that it is colder during the Winter.  Or at least it has been in the past.  This year has been disappointing.  I keep waiting and waiting for the temperatures to actually drop and stay dropped. For the freaking humidity to STOP.  After months of dealing with upper 90's to the 110's w/ feels like temperatures of total misery the wait is really getting to me.  I'm a cold weather person, always have been and I've never been able to abide heat OR humidity (desert or tropical).  So I'm putting it out there in the Cosmos for the temps to please get to where I can be happy.

The only reason I'm here is because of C.  if it weren't for her I'd be back in Oregon faster than you could blink.  I miss my mountains, the ocean (the seaside in Oregon is so absolutely beautiful, no you can't swim in it ::this is because the Alaskan Sea runs right into it:: but you can walk on the beach for long distances, you can hear the wind blow, at times see the whales migrate in the distance, watch the seals when they come onto the beach, large rock formations that when the tide goes out leaves tidal pools full of little creatures, sit on petrified logs that have washed up on shore from goodness knows where...)

I miss downtown Portland with it's richness of culture, of acceptability (yes there are those that aren't so acceptable but the majority is and that's what counts)  I miss the coffee houses, the bookstores, the restaurants, Saturday Market (it's really open on Sat & Sun but that's what it is called).  It's a wonderful place.  Yes, it has it's share of crime etc. I love the rain there - it's not like it is here, you rarely get thunderstorms in that part of the state, occasionally yes - but mostly not.  The rain is a gentle rain for the most part and you don't get the humidity like you do here in Texas.

They have elections today (I think it's today) and I'm not very enthusiastic about it.  It's going to wind up being the same 'ol, same 'ol - Rick Perry (he's a freaking arrogant JERK) I can't and won't even go into detail about him, just look him up on the internet.  Bill White the democratic runner for Gov. he seems like a nice enough fellow & has some good ideas.  The area of Texas I live in is ultra conservative in almost all areas. ( 9 out of 10 to give you an idea)  religious freaks control everything - they won't admit it and it's not a "known" thing but you know they do.  It's not right nor fair.  Old money controls this county too.  Everything is about church, schools (I'm going to put this out there and it may offend some of my friends that are parents - BUT, as a "single" ::in the eyes of the government AND most heterosexual's eyes:: non breeder ::I haven't had kids, never wanted them:: ::and no that doesn't make me a selfish, ungrateful, unnatural female, it means I had the sense to not get into that situation even if I were straight::

Why the hell should I pay taxes for schools?  Make the people that have children pay the taxes...you have more kids you pay more taxes, I don't want your burden.  Believe me there are A LOT of single, unmarried and married people that feel that way that haven't had kids, it's not just me.  I also resent paying taxes etc. when I'm not afforded the same rights and perks as heterosexuals.  I wonder how many businesses that are out there that are adamantly against gay people - would turn away their money? oh, they will take your money, smile to your face and wish you were dead behind your back and behind those fake smiles.  

I'm sorry if that sounds kind of bitter but the truth is  - it's really like that and unless you are gay/lesbian - you don't really "know".  You may think you know, you may empathize, you may support the gay/lesbian causes - but unless you live our lives you can't know. not really.

I'll shut up now.

Please don't be offended by anything I've written.  I'm venting and looking inside myself and out at the world.  The world isn't that appealing right now.  I'm frustrated and irritated.

Hopefully today will be a better day.  I hear thunder in the distance.  It sounds comforting.